Cooking With Alcohol - My Favourite Alcohol Based Recipes.

Cooking with alcohol has two aspects.  The first involves adding alcohol to the recipe ingredients.  The second, and much more fun, involves adding alcohol to the cook.  Of course the ideal is to combine the two and I thoroughly recommend this.  A well soused cook is a happy and relaxed cook.

I have some favourite dishes that all have alcohol as an ingredient.  Most of them are based on fruit but not all.  I firmly believe, and have experimented at some length to support my theory, that alcohol aids digestion.  I do tend only to drink alcohol when cooking hot, savoury dishes as I like wine.  I don't drink Rum, Cointreau, Drambuie or Port and so confine my cookery drinking to savoury recipes.

Here are my favourite alcohol based recipes.

Rum Bananas
Pears in Red Wine
Mandarins and Strawberries in Cointreau or Drambuie
Portly Trifle
Spaghetti Bolognaise with Red wine

The recipes follow but don't expect photos of these delights until I have time as one must make the dish look artful and place it on crystal or china.  Frankly it's Sunday morning and that's all too hard.  I suggest using your imagination.

Let's start with Rum Bananas.  My father was an expert in these and they would be the finale to his Sunday afternoon barbeques.  He would first barbeque fillet steak for guests and this would be served with whole potatoes in foil with sour cream and Ratatouille that my mother had prepared earlier.  There would also be a mixed bean or green salad and often bread rolls.  I don't know how we fitted it all in.

We would eat on the patio overlooking Pittwater at Church Point where I was fortunate enough to have grown up.  No wonder we had a constant stream of guests.  Our swimming pool formed part of the view over the beautiful bay.  I don't expect Heaven to be more beautiful than this place where I grew up. Sadly my parents sold the place to retire and by doing so broke my heart.  I have been a wandering soul cut off ever since.

The alcohol has helped a little but not nearly enough.

RUM BANANAS

Ingredients:

Ripe but still firm bananas, one per person, peeled and sliced lengthways in half.
2 tablespoons of brown sugar
1 tablespoons butter or margarine
1/2 cup dark Rum
Note: the sugar, butter and rum quantities above will cook about two or three bananas halved

Method:
In a frying pan, melt the butter.
Add brown sugar until it melts and bubbles slightly
Put in bananas and coat both sides and cook until tender about two minutes turning carefully to coat both sides
TAKE CARE WITH NEXT TWO STEPS AND STAND BACK
Heat Rum separately in a small saucepan and light with a match
Pour over banana mixture cook another minute to burn off alcohol
Serve with ice cream and/or cream if desire

MANDARINS AND STRAWBERRIES IN COINTREAU OR DRAMBUIE

I was once heavily pregnant and my husband and I drove South from Perth, W.A. to have a picnic.  I had taken all the usual picnic ingredients as well as Mandarins and Strawberries in Drambuie.
The car broke down a short way out of a country town.  My husband waved down a passing tractor and headed back to the town.  It was hot and I decided to cool off by eating the Mandarins and Strawberries.  I was so happily eating them I was unperturbed about how long it would take my husband to return.  I was almost disappointed when he came back twenty minutes later and we managed to restart the car, so heavenly and cool was this lovely concoction.

Ingredients:
1 tin of Mandarin segments drained (these are better than natural and are always available)
1 punnet of strawberries, hulled and halved or quartered depending on size
2 tablespoons of preferred liqueur
icing sugar

Method:
Place fruits together in a bowl and cover with liqueur
Sprinkle with a little icing sugar or sugar
Chill in fridge
Serve plain or with cream or ice cream
Note: Lovely to take on a picnic

PEARS IN RED WINE

These are lovely warm or cold.
Basically they are pears in Gluhwein

Ingredients:
3 or 4 pears in season, not too firm
2 to 2 1/2 cups red wine
1/3 cup sugar
stick of cinnamon
lemon zest

Method:
Peel pears but leave in stalk
In a saucepan place the sugar, wine, cinnamon stick and one or two pieces of lemon zest
Bring to boil and lower to a medium heat
Place pears in saucepan upright and bring to boil again before turning heat to low to simmer
Turn pears every twenty minutes to ensure all parts are cooked
This should take an hour.  When pears are tender carefully remove them with a slotted spoon one
at a time and place all upright in a bowl.
If the sauce isn't syrupy enough bring it to the boil again until syrupy enough.
Remove lemon zest and cinnamon sticks if desired.
Allow to cool and pour over the pears in the bowl.
Place in fridge.
Serve with cream and/or ice cream, yoghurt or sweetened Marscapone.

PORTLY TRIFLE

Trifle always reminds me of what the cooks at my boarding school could do with leftover afternoon tea buns and cakes and jelly desserts.  It's enough to make my hair stand on end.  But my mother thankfully left me with a much better memory of Trifle with her Portly Trifle.  I haven't made this for years as my appetite has now waned to the point of being non-existent.  I can only remember delicious dishes as one remembers happy holidays.

This is an easy dish and I'll write it from memory so it may need some tweaking of the Port amount by you.

Ingredients:
A bought French roll (a jam and sponge roll)
1 pint Custard ( I buy this)
Port
Blanched almonds
There is no jelly in this but do your own thing.  After all Trifle was a dish created to use up leftovers.

Method:
Slice the roll into 1cm or 1/2 inch slices
In a large glass or crystal serving bowl place in the following order:
Line the base of the bowl with slices of French roll then sprinkle with Port.
The Port should soak up to almost a third or half way up each roll slice as I remember.
Don't make the cake sodden.
Cover with a layer of custard.
Repeat the process so there are three layers.  Finish with custard.
Place blanched almonds all over the top.
Refrigerate and serve when cold.

I don't remember if almonds were placed among the layers but do it your way.

SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE WITH RED WINE

Well everyone has their own version of Spaghetti Bolognaise so I won't bother to give you mine.

My only addition to your own recipe is to tell you what I do.

I start by pouring myself a glass of red wine and making sure there is enough left in the bottle for the Bolognaise Sauce.

I sip the wine and start chopping and slicing garlic and onions.  I continue sipping while I chop tomatoes and brown the mince. I set the mince aside in a bowl while I cook the onions, garlic and tomatoes.  Sometimes I add sliced Kalamata olives, and sometimes, when daring, Jalapenos or bacon.   I saute these then return the meat to the saucepan.  I add some powered beef or chicken stock and water, tomato sauce and red wine.  I may add mild chili sauce in winter.  I sip some wine along the way.  I add oregano, basil, salt and pepper as well.  I simmer all of this and eventually may thicken with gravy flour (semolina powder).

I often think that Spaghetti Bolognaise sauce improves with age in the fridge and even after freezing so I always set some aside and freeze for later.
I serve with either spaghetti pasta or spiral pasta.
Naturally I sip red wine when eating my delicious Spaghetti with Bolognaise Sauce.

THE END.

WHY WOMEN LOVE BAD BOYS.

It must puzzle good, decent men when women, particularly those in whom they are romantically interested, go for the bad guy.

The trouble, of course, is history.  Humans were genetically programmed in early primitive times.  Civilisation has only been around for a tiny fraction of our history.  Before this a man's strength and courage were his greatest attributes as a potential mate.

In primitive times a woman needed to allow for the time during which she would be pregnant and vulnerable.  After the birth she then had to care for her offspring which, unlike other species, didn't just get up and walk within a few hours of birth.  Human children are cumbersome for at least five years.  For this reason the woman must choose a reliable mate.  He must stay around and protect and feed her during her pregnancy and also after the child is born.

You might argue that a woman in those times didn't get to choose her mate.  Maybe not but she would still have been attracted to the males who were the best hunters and protectors.

A woman would also have to be protected from men from other tribes.  Her mate needed to be a fighter.  Basically he needed to be a killer.  This attribute of his personality may have flowed over into his domestic life.  This nature was probably the reason men began to suppress women and treat them as personal possessions.  She was weaker and, to him, that meant she was inferior.  The primitive world relied on strength and a woman's only real benefit was the continuation of the species.  A man didn't need to be violent with his mate.  If he was it was probably because it was his inherent nature to be so.  It was an admirable quality to him after all and if she did something he didn't like he wasn't about to discuss it, was he? No he would do what he did to animals and that is to physically overcome her.

It may seem to be pushing the envelope a bit but another requirement of hunters is stealth and that includes silence.  Do we wonder why the male is not the communicator a female is?  Men would work as a team and probably with a plan.  Their communication during the hunt would be nods and hand gestures.  The men understood each other.  Interesting isn't it that the way in which men enjoy verbal communication today is about sport?  It must be the closest thing allied to the hunt.  Post hunt the men might sit around and commend themselves verbally about their actions, but during it, there was silence.

What a girl wants!

Women talked.  They talked as they gathered because the nuts and fruit weren't likely to run off at the sound of their voices.  As they talked, the children learned to talk.  It all worked pretty well except for the attitudes it bred into the sexes.

There is something about the bad boy.  Firstly he rates himself highly and for some reason he exudes masculinity.  I believe it is because, put him in a suit or not, he doesn't belong in it.  He has what James Bond has; he's a killer in disguise.  The hunter is well and truly still present and women sense it.  They want him to hunt them.  That's his effect.  I think that women want to be attractive to such a man.  If she manages to bed him even once she will feel better about herself.  He is an image enhancer and most women are insecure about their looks, bodies or anything really.  She may want to keep him but that is inadvisable to say the least.  This type of man likes to conquer and once he has achieved that, to move on.

That's part of his appeal really.  It is a challenge for any woman to retain this man.  She might be able do so by feigning disinterest so that he thinks he hasn't really conquered her.  He will never cease to be exciting to her but does she really want to live with him?  He will never be entirely faithful either and, again, that keeps her interest.  There is nothing so desirable as something you can't have.

Meanwhile Mr. Nice Guy is shaking his head in wonder.  He is reliable.  He loves this woman and will hang around for the rest of her life.  Ah, but she knows this and she wants him too, when she's ready and hasn't managed to snare Bad Boy.  But he can wait.  It's not only men who want their cake and to keep it too.  In relationships none of us is really trustworthy and I think it may be because they are still so closely linked to survival.  One type of relationship may be for a stable and companionable life.  A woman, growing old, will need a man who loves her for herself.  The other type might stem from a desire to produce the best child and that will come from the Bad Boy.  I'm sure that quite often Mr. Nice Guy acts as father to Bad Boy's offspring, at least earlier in history and often now.  Bad Boy likes women young but he will also go for older if she is sexy, interesting and won't cling.

Bad Boy often marries but his wife will have to close her eyes to all sorts of things.  It is the price for catching a wolf or a shark and she may complain but she knows she has the man all the other women want.

Some Bad Boys of history: Lord Byron, Rasputin, Casanova, Marc Antony, Dracula (fictional but the ultimate Bad Boy), Errol Flynn, Napoleon (who dumped Josephine to marry into the aristocracy and reproduce), Henry VIII, John F. Kennedy.

END

MAKING A NEW YEAR COUNT WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME.

Well the New Year has rolled over again just as I did in bed this morning on the 22,639th day of my life.  That's not a big number is it?  It sure doesn't seem to be when looking back at how long I've lived.  How can it only be that many days?

If I live to make one hundred years of age I will only live for 36,500 days.  If you think of a person from infancy to great old age in this time span it makes time seem like fast forward photography.

I'll show you the full life photo album.  Here I am as a newborn with plump skin and no resemblance to my adult self and it will take another fifteen to seventeen years to reach full maturity.  And here I am at one hundred, my frame somewhat bent and shrunken, the fat under my skin all but gone, age spots all over my skin, teeth that have gone yellow and gums that have receded.  The inner corners of my eyes will be slits at the rims have a reddish tinge.  The skin on my body will be slack and dried up.  I will have knobbly hands and my movements will be slower.  I may be incontinent.  I may still be able to walk but everyone is afraid I will fall, and if I do I will certainly break bones as they have become as brittle as dried up twigs.

Ah, but my mind, if I keep it intact that long, will be as sharp as a tack and replete with memories that go back so far that the early ones seem to belong to someone else.

At this stage everyone will be waiting for me to die.  I have no future, only a past.  I am now seen as less than human as I have no potential.  I am as loved and as useful as an old couch, but I can't be tossed on the sidewalk.  It is strange that a human's worth is in their potential and how much of it they have left.

I'm in a race with time now to publish my first novel written thirty years ago and almost accepted once by a literary agent who asked me to make some small changes and by the time I did, the company had been bought and wasn't taking new writers.  I became tired of rejections following this and the cost of postage, of re-formatting the manuscript to every agent and publishers' directives.  I had to make a living after all.

I want to still be young enough to enjoy the achievement when the novel is published.  Note the 'when' not 'if' in the last sentence.  No publisher wants a withered old prune on the back cover even if they had the brain of Einstein or Hawking.  I want to revel in the signings, the talks at writers' events, the sense of pride I will have before my son who lost any use for me after he reached the age of twenty.

I've decided to run the gamut of potential publishers again.  Time waits for no man after all.  Then I have another two novels on the go, one that will be a sure fire seller.  I know that in my gut but I'm not waiting to finish it before I give number one novel another try.

When I read it after all these years, I'm amazed I wrote it at all.  That's when you know something is good.  My star sign says that I am prone to self-doubt and this causes me to undermine myself.  That is so true.  I should have been pushing the manuscript with a vengeance all these years but I became tired and lost confidence, not in myself but in those to whom the manuscript was sent.

I once sent the manuscript to a publisher using all their guidelines.  I included the stamped, self-addressed envelope for their reply.  I swear it came back the same week I sent the manuscript.  Attached was a "Dear Author" letter.  My own name didn't appear and the letter, all three lines of it, was generic.  I had the distinct feeling it had landed on a desk, the reply envelope taken out, stuffed with a rejection letter, stamped and sent.  That's pretty demoralizing.

My father used to cut and and send me articles about writers who got published.  He thought it would inspire me.  It did the opposite.  It upset me but God bless him for trying.  He's passed away now so I'm in no danger of getting another newspaper cutting from him.  If I could have him back again it would be the first time I'd enjoy getting one of them.  I still, however, wouldn't read it.

Just last year European Space agency scientists landed a robotic probe on a comet.  One scientist likened the difficulty of landing the probe on the comet to being like "Landing a washing machine on a speeding bullet."

I think that trying to get a manuscript published is just as hard but nothing's going to happen unless I make the effort.  As Captain Kirk says in the new Star Trek, "Make it so."  Well this little bulldozer is building up a head of steam and about to spend this year pushing and shoving with all her little might.

Wish me well and you just might get to read a bloody good novel.

END

BRAS AND OTHER TIT-BITS.

The man in my life actually decided to have an argument with me today about the buying of bras.  As if he'd know anything.  I am now sixty-one, a baby boomer and one of the women who threw away their bras in the seventies.  I didn't do this to make a statement.  I did it because I couldn't find one that fitted or was comfortable.

A Camisole Bra

Sometime in the eighties I succumbed to what was called a cami-bra (camisole bra).  This was a delicious little lacy thing with no under-wiring and no hooks.  It could just be pulled on over the head.  You may have gathered that I am not overly well endowed.  But neither am I underlie endowed.  I have to say that at my age my breasts can stand up for themselves.  This is a wonderful gene I share with my mother.  She was a bigger woman all round than I and wore bras with under-wiring.  I realise that many women must wear these more uncomfortable bras to lift the mass of their breasts.  I'm fortunate in that I don't have to and it is women like me who are less catered for by the lingerie shops.

It seems that if you have 12B breasts your back is of an exact breadth so the hooks meet comfortably without you having to expel your lungs of all air.
For some reason I find that if the breasts fit in the cups, the girth of the bra doesn't accommodate my back and I am left fighting for air.

The pretty and supportive Under-wire bra.  A pity it's torture for some of us.

As a five year old when I accompanied my mother into the toilet in a department store I was fascinated when she would take down her panties and wee even though wearing another undergarment.  I strained my neck to see how she could do this.  She was wearing an item that was de-rigeur for women in those days: a girdle with suspenders attached for stockings.  This surrounded the hips but did not go beneath, however, at five, I couldn't quite get my head around it, literally, to see how it worked.

When I was at high school some clever person came up with pantihose.  I was addicted to the US magazine "Seventeen" and had anticipated this invention for six months before they arrived in Australia sometime in the mid-sixties.  Good-bye suspenders.  So long girdles.  Freedom, of sorts, had arrived.  If only bras had undergone such a revolution.

            From this                                                               To this

Cotton suspenders and stockings

My high school bra was of cotton.  I have the peculiar, it seems, problem of being wide set.  That is my breasts do not lie close together in the middle so a cleavage doesn't form.  Cotton bras were not designed for such a mutation but assumed all breasts were made the same.

The result of this was that my nipples and where they were meant to be to fill the bra did not coincide.  This meant puckering of the seam where the breasts did not fill them.  I also spent my day retrieving the straps from my arms and placing them on my shoulders.  This remains a problem today.  Four years ago, as I drive for a living, I decided to confront the buying of bras again.  There was just some jiggling as I drove and I thought I should support my girls so they wouldn't droop.

In spite of the advances in materials I find bras to still be a curse upon womankind.  I blame Madonna for a lot of this.  Just when some clever person had designed the cami-bra, along came Madonna, of the dubious morals, and had Jean Paul Gaultier design a costume for her.

Madonna in Jean Paul Gaultier corset

A corset from the 1950's

The outfit was reminiscent of a full corset of the 1950's.  There was no stretch material in sight and plenty of seams and under-wire.  The cami-bra went the way of the dinosaurs and under-wiring came back with a vengeance.

Patti Page in the Fifties and the effect Gaultier's bra would have under a sweater.

Surprisingly some twenty years later, it persists as do lace and hooks.
A bra should be able to be worn under any clothing of any colour.  Now ideally, this just doesn't work but some of us try.  I buy flesh coloured, which goes under anything.  Black just doesn't go under white, nor does red, pink or purple.

My mother was an absolute stickler for bra straps not showing.  She had keepers in all her garments to stop the straps straying.

When celebrities make a fashion statement of showing their bra straps it doesn't bode well for good grooming.

Today I have seen women wearing dresses and tops with halters or cut away sleeves and their bra straps are on show as if trophies.  These also usually don't match the colour of the clothing they lie beneath   I find this an affront to my upbringing.  I may not have agreed with my mother's taste in clothes but you couldn't argue with her about grooming.  When she lived in a nursing home she wouldn't let her carers dress her in anything that didn't colour coordinate.  Now that's style!

But back to the beastly bra.  My man said: "What is wrong with you?  There are billions of women on the planet and you seem to be the only one who can't find a bra that fits in a shop."

I admit to being amazed that he thought he was an expert and decidedly argumentative to boot.  If you are a determined female who knows exactly what she wants, the range of bras to suit you in a shop is minimal.  I'm not the only one.  Breasts are like snowflakes.  There isn't, or aren't, in this case, two the same, on different women, that is.

A store can only keep a certain number of bras and if you are inclined to despise under-wiring, you are in the minority.  You will have to look in the Sports bra selection or the teen section.  The teen section, much like teen breasts, is small.  It also displays bras of ridiculous, lacy and mis-matching colours.

I finally went on-line and found something quite acceptable but still my man ranted.  "Surely you could have found it in a shop".  I told him I had tried and that I would be happy to show him the Bra section of any department store.  He declined.

I would like to say that I don't give him grief over what underdaks he chooses.  I simply wouldn't know what it is like to house a penis comfortably, or to the left or right.  One thing that can be said of the male appendage - there is usually (mutants not included) only one of them and it is placed smack in the centre.  If there were two and they varied from near to centre or further from centre, you can bet the buying of underpants would become a chore just as much as is the buying of bras.

The whale-boned corset.  What women did for beauty in 1899.

Yes, perhaps I am odd.  Perhaps years of going bra-less have spoiled me.  There have been much worse undergarments for women such as the whale-boned corset.  But women, themselves, are to blame.  What in heaven's name makes them willing to undergo torture in the undergarment department?  This wasn't a male directive but came from women themselves.  I don't think I am like most women because I won't suffer clothes that fight me.  We have enough to contend with in this world without being at war with our undies

The end.

How To Have a Dinner Party

A Dinner Party Held Too Late

1. Invite People.

Four people for a dinner party means just you, your partner and another couple or two singles.  You do a lot of work to prepare the dinner and they may get ill, forget or come up with a last minute excuse such as 'a funeral interstate for which they must fly out'.

Six people is a good number.  Six people fit around a table well and if two decide to drop out, the others will probably turn up unless you have become suddenly infamous in the media and no one wants to know you.

It's very important to match people. You just know when they are too disparate to be able to converse for the evening if you know them well enough.  Disparate people mixing is for large, poolside barbeques where each guest can pick and choose other people or just hold their breath and hide underwater.

If you are new to dinner parties eight people is ambitious.  Your table must be comfortably able to accommodate them otherwise you'll have to resort to fork food and sit around the living room.  This isn't ideal for conversation and is difficult to manage drinks and plates.

Ten or more is not a sit down dinner party unless you are the Queen or have two tables and split the party and the guests.

2. Starting time.

It's so elegant to say for 8pm but make sure it's a Saturday night.  If it's a weeknight, the people who have jobs will be tired.  If it's Sunday they'll want to be up early on Monday morning.

I've had grown men fall asleep at the dinner table.  They remained upright but didn't contribute much to the conversation.

My husband and I had one couple over for dinner quite often.  The man would leave on the dot of 8.30pm.  His wife would stay and my husband would drive her home.  My husband ran off with her in the end, really.  I think it was a set up by her husband.  It turned out he had wanted a divorce for years but they had agreed to stay together until their son was old enough.  Don't fall for this one.  What comes together, leaves together.

3. Starters.

Just drinks and nibbles like nuts and chips.  They have come for dinner.  If you want to stuff them full of hors d'oeuvres hold a cocktail party starting at 5pm and ending at 7pm.  I live with a Polish man and the Poles will invite you for dinner and spend three hours filling you with soup, egg dishes, pierazki (pronounced: piroshki), and cold meats.  Some time later you are expected to consume a three course meal.  I'm not familiar with their culture so in this post, I'll stick to my Anglo Saxon upbringing.

4. Dinner starting time.

If your guests are asked to arrive around 7pm the entree should appear no later than 8pm then have a short break before the main.  Don't leave your guests waiting until 10pm to eat.

5.  Drinks.

Wine is for dinner, not beer.  Spirits and beer are pre-dinner drinks.  Beer is really too filling to go with food.  It's fine at a barbeque but not at a dinner party.  If one of your guests threatens to have a hissy fit because they are not offered beer at dinner, give it to them.  You're not a dictator after all.  Soft drinks, water or juice for teetotalers.

Guests often bring wine so ask if they want it opened and also tell them what you have.  Unless they are wine connoisseurs don't be too fussy.  Large wine glasses are for red wine, smaller ones for white.  There is no hard and fast rule as to what to serve with what.  Go with your feelings and offer everyone everything.

6. Entrees.

The French call the main course the Entree.  In the English speaking west it is instead the dish served before the main course.  It is optional of course.  Make it light like a soup or something tasty, small and savoury.

If you like bread rolls, have bread rolls, but they are really for barbeques and will spoil appetites that should be saved for your fabulous cooking.

7. Mains.

For you main whatever takes your fancy but check before your guests arrive for allergies and dislikes.

It is unwise to cook something you haven't cooked before.  Also pre-preparation and food such as a casserole is ideal.  Attempting to cook steak, fish or a roast, especially for more people than you are used to, is a recipe for disaster.  If you do, try serving everything at once while it's hot and you'll find out how hard that is.  Save that exercise for Christmas and see why women and men all over the world hate cooking turkeys and hams.

If it's a roast it's easy to undercook or overcook it.  How many times have I been to dinner parties where I have waited two extra hours to eat because the meat wasn't ready yet?  Plenty.  It sure ruins your appetite.

Steak?  Better make sure you have the best butcher on the planet or your guests may be chewing all evening and besides, how do you cook steak for six people perfectly and serve it on a plate without looking cooked yourself?  Do I really need to tell you?

You can serve vegetables, a salad or both?  Whatever you do to prepare beforehand allows you some time to relax and enjoy your own dinner party.

Don't go all out to impress, just make a darn good meal.  The company and atmosphere as well as the food and drinks are the ingredients for a successful dinner party.

8.Dessert.

Ice Cream is not a dessert on its own and cheddar cheese does not a cheese platter make.  You need at least three cheeses plus some crackers.  The French have cheese before dessert while the English have cheese after dessert.  Of course you don't need to have either or you can have both.

Dessert is where you can have fun.  The sweetness will also eat up some of the alcohol your guests have consumed.  It's always good to finish with coffee or tea as these just seem to round the dinner out.

The appearance of coffee and tea also indicates that the evening is winding up.  If you are all having a ball, move on to more coffee and tea.  If not, people will eventually yawn, look at their watches and find an excuse to go.

9. Do not wash up.

Stack dishes in the kitchen between courses.  Do not even rinse.  Your guests are not there to hear your labours.  Few houses now have separate dining rooms.  You can serve, you can clear but your role is as the host or hostess, not sweaty workhorse.  You are there to steer the conversation if it falters.  You can get your partner to refresh the drinks but you can't do everything.

When I first went to my future in-laws place for dinner, my fiancee's mother would get up from the table and wash the dishes leaving the men to talk as soon as dinner was finished.  Yes, it was casual but being well brought up I felt it necessary to help her in the kitchen while every fibre of my being rebelled.  It wasn't that the guys had anything interesting to talk about either.  They sure didn't.  It was just this relegation of one sex to the kitchen.  No wonder it took me four years to accept his proposal.

It's funny but rules of etiquette can split nations.  However my credo is simply to make everyone feel relaxed and not as if they have to jump up and help with the dishes.  The dishes will be there in the morning, I guarantee it.

10. Atmosphere.

I have lovely neighbours who occasionally have me over for dinner. Pre-dinner we have a drink in their living room.  Overhead is a round fluorescent light but I just want to get away from it and the glare it creates.

I prefer lamps and some candles if you like.  Candles tend to eat up the oxygen.  I once had to leave an Indian restaurant with fifty tables all lit by candles.  I could barely breathe.
Also don't overdo the fragrant ones.  What you might like may send a guest running and interfere with their taste buds.

11. Do not have a television or radio on before dinner, during dinner or even after dinner.

Nothing is as tacky as a television or radio on in the background during a dinner party.  That's all there is to it. Nein, nyet, non, no.  If someone is missing a vital sports game on the television, you've chosen the wrong night or the wrong friends.  That's right , be a snob.  This isn't a barbeque.  They've come for dinner not to watch a game and if they want to watch the game, they shouldn't have accepted your invitation.

If you have music make it slow, soft, background music or you'll upset someone's digestion.  There's nothing worse than eating to a high tempo piece of music because it revs everyone up and loud music means everyone will have to shout to be heard.

Another good point is not to have a table where the shape makes those sitting next to one another the only ones who can talk to each other.  A table should allow everyone to talk and listen to everyone else.  Long rectangular tables with more than eight people are not for dinner parties.  A round table or small rectangular or square are good.

12. Lingerers.

If a couple look set to stay for the duration there's nothing for it but to give them a large hint or, failing that, tell them politely that you are going to bed.  If that doesn't do it ask them to turn off the lights and lock the doors as they leave.  At Chinese weddings oranges are handed out to indicate it is time for guests to leave and leave they must.  Western society could do well to copy this sensible directive.

END.

CAT ASTROLOGY - Profiling Your Feline By Its Star Sign

 Kitty Minor - the Constellation that cats would like to exist

Dogs are well represented in the stars by having a Constellation named after them – Canis Major, also known as the Dog Star. Cats are very egotistical so imagine how they feel about not having their own Constellation. It might have been called Kitty Minor. The least we can do to help put the matter right is to analyse their personalities by their Star sign.

It’s hardly worth mentioning but if humans conform to their star sign in astrology, so must cats. After all cats have very distinct personalities. While dog’s personalities are partly dictated by their breed, with a cat you don’t know what you are getting whether it’s a moggie or a pedigree.

In this light hearted post I am going to apply astrology to cats. If you know your cat’s birth date, see if it fits. This may seem like purrfect nonsense but if you’ve nothing better to do give it a try. I have had more than a passing interest in Astrology for over thirty years and numerous books on the subject. I’ve applied this research to our feline friends. I will refer to a cat as ‘it’ to cover both of the sexes.

AQUARIUS January 21 to February 18 Air sign

Aquarians make friends very easily although they remain unknowable. They blend into the scenery like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland who undoubtedly was an Aquarian. Its friends see it the way they wish it to be. What could be better? It is like a ‘one size fits all’ outfit. It barely needs to speak. Its friends just imagine what they would like it to say and it seems to say it.

Nobody is better suited to be everyone’s friend. It may fade into the background but its smile remains and leaves everyone it meets with a warm glow. Its friends remember its achievements as they wish. It is a magician who does nothing and everything.

Don’t be surprised if your Aquarian cat loves everyone as much as it loves you. It can be friends with a dog, a rabbit or whatever it likes. Aquarians are tolerant and won’t judge. They won’t even understand if you ask them to make a judgement. They simply don’t understand where you’re coming from. They are notoriously hard to get to commit. Your cat may roam the neighbourhood treating everyone as if they are its best friend. Don’t be jealous, it’s just its nature.

Aquarius is an Air sign and that’s one reason it’s hard to get a grip on their character.

PISCES February 19 to March 20 Water sign

A Fish is the Emblem of the Pisces Cat

Any cat worth the title loves fish, living or dead. The only thing that saves a fish from the paws of this pussy is water although Pisces is a water sign but Cats don’t like being in water.

Nonetheless this sign makes them a bit wishy-washy although unique. Pisces are normally gentle and friendly creatures and that is something uncharacteristic of cats who can also be hunters and killers.

The Pisces cat’s eyes may be set slightly farther apart than normal and it will move with a fluidity that is suggestive of water. While all cats move fluidly this one seems to flow in and out of rooms. Be careful not to slip on it when it lies on the floor as it will be the same as stepping into a puddle of water.

Pisces is the twelfth sign of the Zodiac. Aries is the first and are considered to be young souls and Pisces are the old souls. As such the idea of reincarnation is incorporated into Astrology. Creatures start as new souls and live through many lives until they are old and wise. A soul won’t progress from one star sign to the next until they have passed the tests placed upon it by the nature given to it under that sign. Pisces are kind, intuitive, friendly and self-sacrificing. Their one drawback is that they can be weak willed. This is possibly their Zen attitude to life of ‘live and let live’. What else would you expect from an old soul?

ARIES March 21 to April 20 Fire sign

 

Aries cat - faster than a speeding bullet

 

Was that a bullet or your cat who just ran past? You may not even catch a glimpse of this Speedy Gonzalez and if a fly screen door gets in its way you won’t hear meowing, you’ll hear shredding. An Aries cat has energy to burn and your furniture is a prime target too. Keep this cat’s claws well-trimmed if you are able catch it or you’ll end up like the fly screen.

This cat is always on the go and must have something to do. It may get into trouble because, if it gets bored, it will seek new forms of distraction and venture too far and get lost. This is the cat who will get stuck up a tree or in a drain and need rescuing because it just couldn’t help itself.

Buy one of those cat tube tunnels with lots of tubes at different angles so it can go exploring inside the house instead of the neighbourhood. Cat towers are also a great idea and the more interesting you make it the better. Even cover an opening occasionally with fly wire just so it has the satisfaction of clawing its way in.

Aries cats also have quick tempers and may not tolerate being annoyed by children. It will probably have a fiery look about it or yellow eyes as Aries is a fire sign that goes with its fiery personality. It won’t be a tubby tabby because it burns too much energy.
The only time you may get to pat this lovable cat is when it’s asleep in your lap, exhausted. You are, after all, soft and warm and even an Aries can appreciate comfort when it finally lies down.

A cat tower is a good idea for your Aries cat 

TAURUS April 21 to May 21 Earth sign

A Taurus cat always knows the time
 

This cat is placid and reliable. It likes a very stable home environment and can be very possessive. It is also a tad inflexible. With these things in mind I’d give it toys, a bowl and cushion with its name embroidered on it. Of course we know cats can’t read but it’ll understand intuitively that it is its mark, especially if you label everything it owns.

It won’t like change and that means in its surroundings or routine. It believes it owns the house and that you are its pet. If it is on the kitchen bench and you try to take it off, it’ll object or, if you succeed, just jump back up again. It is, after all, its bench and you must be trained to understand this.

In fact it’ll spend a lot of time retraining you until you get things right. You’d better have consistent meal times and love-up times. It may not be able to read a watch but rest assured it knows the time. Cats are born knowing the time but a Taurean keeps track of it.
Taurus is associated with the bull. Just in case your cat shares some of this animals other attributes, I’d keep it away from the china. Also make sure its bowl is metal or unbreakable.

GEMINI May 22 to June 21 Air sign

 

Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp

Here is the two sided cat as Gemini is the sign of the twins. It may have different coloured eyes, one blue and one brown or green and patches of different coloured fur. Remember the Siamese cats in the “Lady and the Tramp” movie? They make a great symbol for Gemini cats.

The Gemini cat will never be able to make up its mind with which toy to play or what to do next. It jumps from one thing to another. It’s not that it’s bored, it just can’t make up its mind. Basically it is indecisive. Geminis are both versatile and inconsistent. They won’t stick at anything for too long. They have a real need to communicate and cats, not being able to talk, will try to do this in other ways. They may sit on your computer keyboard and block the screen or meow incessantly and give you meaningful looks. Just talk to it and pat it a lot and hope that satisfies it for a while.

The Gemini cat will also tend to be nervy and tense on occasions. You know the type. They’ll stand on your sofa, arch their back and pluck at the fabric one paw at a time as if walking in an environment without gravity as if they have Velcro shoes. This is one cat for whom a scratch pole is mandatory.

This cat will be sweet one minute but the next watch out. One day it will eat tuna, the next it won’t. It has a split personality so you might like to give it a double name like Puss-Puss or Tiger Tim. It won’t need a companion because it is its own best friend.

CANCER June 22 to July 22 Water sign

 

Garfield - the poster Cancerian cat

You’d better keep a big store of cat food because the Cancerian cat loves to eat. If you don’t give it food it will sulk. It will also prowl the neighbourhood begging for food and pretending it is a stray or lost. Given its girth the people who feed it must be easily fooled. Either that or very old people with bad eyesight.

This cat may actually appear to frown but it’s just the rolls of fat on its forehead. Don’t try to put Pudge on a diet or it’ll just go around to all the neighbours begging for food and give you a bad name. Cancer is ruled by the moon and people with this sign have round faces. Cancerian cats do too but it’s just because their cheeks are chubby.

Another problem the Cancerian cat is that tends to be clingy. Cancer is represented by the crab which sure can cling on when it wants too. You may find you can’t take a step forward because it is trying to wind itself around your ankles and wants a love-up. I say winding loosely in the case of a Cancerian cat considering its girth makes that difficult. Your cat will probably just lean heavily against your legs or plop itself on your feet. It makes a great pal in winter for added warmth.

LEO July 23 to August 23 Fire sign

Goldfinger's cat - a Leo cat likes an owner with prestige

 

The prince of cats because this sign is named for the king of cats, the Lion, and is closely related but a tad smaller. You’d better treat it like a prince but first you’ll have to find out which end is which because it’s covered in so much fur. This cat thinks it is a lion and its mane is likely to be as big. It’ll have a loud meow because it believes it is roaring.

The Leo cat loves to hunt and also to sleep after eating just like its cousin the lion. You wouldn’t keep a lion in your house but if you were smaller than your puss it would amount to the same thing. You would be viable prey so don’t kid yourself that this cat is so cute and cuddly that it would never hurt you. The only advantage you have over your Leo cat is your size and it has the good manners and sense to recognise that fact.

Apart from secretly wishing to eat you they are warm and affectionate with big hearts. They do have a superiority complex and the more prestige you have the better your cat will like it. Nonetheless you will still have prestige in its eyes because you love and care for it. It is nothing if not generous with its heart of a lion.

VIRGO August 24 to September 22 Earth sign

Cleanliness is next to Catliness for Virgo cats

Virgo cats are clean and demand perfection. They preen themselves meticulously and will expect you to have a perfectly clean house. I doubt if it would mind if you used it to sweep the floor except it would make it dirty. You won’t find this cat clawing your furniture although it might rearrange the cushions when you’re not looking.

All cats love hiding in wardrobes but don’t be surprised if this one colour co-ordinates your clothes while it’s in there. It’s hyper critical too and if you find a garment on the floor that you were sure had been hanging up throw it out. Your cat has decided it’s not for you or just plain shabby.

Oh dear, you caught me rearranging your clothes again

They can get bogged down in small details so don’t give it a ball of wool or twine to unravel or it will likely try to wind it back up. If it can’t it will just keep on trying until you are forced to have an almighty tug of war with your cat to take it away. Throw the twine out where it can’t see it or it will go looking and get it back. You’ll never make that mistake again will you?

 

 

LIBRA September 23 to October 23 Air sign

The Scales of Justice are the symbol of this sign and Librans need to weigh up everything. Give this cat a choice of food, say two bowls, or it will just sit there and stare at the single bowl as if it’s been cheated. It may not even hunt for mice as it just doesn’t seem fair. Live and let live.

Librans can’t stand loneliness. More than any other star sign it must be in a relationship to be happy. This means with you. Be prepared to be the centre of its Universe or it will have to find someone who is devoted to it. If it is alone it will sulk and, being a cat, will take it out on the furniture or whatever takes its fancy. Take the hint if it shreds a photo of you in a frame on your mantelpiece. It needs companionship at all times. Having another cat is a good idea so it is never alone.
Librans like harmony but also tend to be overly critical as they forget to judge themselves first.

It can be prickly and carry a grudge in spite of never wanting to take sides. When it’s aimed at it, it becomes personal and it will sulk. It will also seem a relaxed, if not lazy cat as it is, by nature, easy going. This Libran cat is not like your Taurus time keeper. Time has no meaning for it and it may even ask for dinner at lunch time. Librans like bright flowers around the house and these will cheer it up.

SCORPIO October 24 to November 22 Water sign

 

If Pepe le Pew wasn't a skunk, he'd be the poster boy for Scorpio cats

Firstly have it spayed whether it’s male or female. If your cat is a male you don’t want the neighbourhood breeder of pedigree Persians, or whatever, landing at your door with a basket of kittens, lumping it in your hands and crying “Your cat has spoiled my Precious forever”. They will then turn and leave, sobbing loudly so every other person in the neighbourhood knows of your cat’s promiscuity.

Some of them may secretly snicker because they can’t stand the cat person, but others will give you withering looks when you are out shopping.

If Pepe le Pew wasn’t a skunk he’d be the poster boy for Scorpio cats. But your cat is both a lover and a fighter and it will claw its way into the affections of its intended through a multitude of meeker moggies. If he comes home with tufts of fur missing, scratches and a smile on his face you’ll know what he’s been up to.

These cats are jealous of your affection so don’t display too much to your other pets, or even family, in front of it. If you must then make a big fuss over him too or he’ll go somewhere and brood or worse, mount a surprise attack on the other object of your affections or one of their possessions when your back is turned.

SAGITTARIUS November 23 to December 21 Fire sign

 

Puss in Boots - a happy, adventurous optimistic cat

the epitome of a Sagittarius cat

If you see a cat standing on a roof watching birds and hoping one will land or get close enough so it can catch it, it’s a Sagittarian. This cat is an optimist, a charmer and loves life and, in spite of often being foolhardy and taking chances, always lands on its feet. It may end up a little sore and sorry but it will always try again.

Sagittarians are nature’s nomads and love their freedom so make sure your cat doesn’t wander but find it a safe place where it has lots of room and variety. Human Sagittarians have a gift of the gab. Your cat can’t talk but it will say everything with its eyes. This cat will have a pet project whether it is chasing mice, watching over your baby or watching the pendulum of a grandfather clock swing. Its one flaw is that it is inclined to be foolhardy and take risks by overestimating its own abilities.

Just let this cat follow its innocent heart but make sure when you leave the house be sure to look up first and check for falling cats. It just thought it might be able to reach that bird.

CAPRICORN December 22 to January 20 Earth sign

 

Her Majesty the Capricorn cat

If Leo is the prince of cats then Capricorn is the king or queen. At least they think so but they’re probably right. Capricorns are always right. No, really, they’re smart as whips but not egotistical about it. In fact, deep down they lack self-confidence.

Because of this it’s wise to give them lots of positive input such as “Who’s a clever cat then?” and “You’re the most beautiful cat in the whole world”. Yes, we know cats can’t understand every word but they get the intonation.

You will have to serve your Capricorn cat, if it allows you to. It won’t come to you. It sees you as its servant in spite of its deep seated insecurity. Make sure it has an ornate and expensive cushion or bed. If it doesn’t like it, it will simply go and lie on the pillow on your bed to express its disgust.

The Capricorn cat can sit or lie perfectly still. The mountain goat is the symbol of this sign. It likes high places, is a climber and a bit of a loner. Your cat has a regal air and is not inclined to move just for the sake of it. That is because it is perched like a mountain goat, not on a rock, but up high on its expectations and standards. When it has decided what it wants to do it can move with alacrity but will do so with refined elegance.

Capricorn people will only buy the best even if it means saving for a long time to get it. Your cat will also expect the best even if you have to make sacrifices. After all it would if it were you, so what’s the problem? A little work never hurt anyone. If you present your Capricorn cat with something second rate, food or otherwise, it is likely to look at you as if you have crawled out of a hole. It will then turn around, put its tail up vertically to give you a view of its rear and walk off in a huff.

Capricorns don’t mean to be difficult. They just have standards and expect you to as well.

Dedication

Ally cat

 

This post is dedicated to Ally, my grandcat, the cat of my son. When I lived with them for a year, Ally would sit on my computer keyboard in front of the screen to get my attention. When a new cat came into the family Ally took herself downstairs and lay on top of the water heater all day. She was a dear, gentle girl and I loved her. She passed away some years later from old age with the gentle assistance of my Veterinarian son when she was too ill to go on.

I don’t know Ally’s birth date but she was gentle, a loner and affectionate. She may well have been a Pisces.