Here I sit on a cold and wet winter's day during a global pandemic and wonder what life holds next. I may no longer be in my prime but I wasn't planning to be dead any time soon. I used to feel that I had up to twenty good years left in me based on my family history; okay, those family who haven't turned their toes up young. In fact, I was setting myself the goal of doing better than my forebears.
When I wake in the morning these days, however, I am finding it increasingly difficult to feel any sense of hope or optimism. At night as I attempt sleep, I chide myself for this and think of those people around the world who have worse things to contend with as well as a pandemic, which sits like a cherry atop their other miseries. I think of the refugees from Myanmar, the children starving in Yemen and the refugees from Mozambique and so on. All of this suffering comes from the actions of lunatics pushing their own vicious or greedy political agendas without care about the families caught in the middle. So many of the perpetrators of these little wars are young, fanatical or opportunistic young men who are guided by older, slyer and more jaded ones. Women are probably involved in there somewhere too but mostly they are being violated in some way or watching their children suffer.
I really shake my head and wonder how fanatics can carry out their agendas during a pandemic? I guess the point is that they are fanatics and all else pales to their vision of utopia. God forbid what that might be after they've made life a hell on earth.
Do these thoughts about the suffering of others make me feel better about my own situation? Well how could such thoughts make one feel better about anything? In answer to this question, no they don't. It does though, help me put my feelings in perspective but someone else's suffering doesn't reduce one's own unless one is a sociopath or sadist.
Before I lost my job to Covid, I retained hope. I long ago ran out of money due to divorce, having Chronic Fatigue and other factors but I live comfortably enough. When I got over Chronic Fatigue I found a job that provided me with a living and, when I reached pension age and worked part time, what my job gave me was the possibility of affording a vacation or something to look forward to. It also kept me busy. That is now something completely off the table. I don't own my own home and am enormously grateful to this country for its social security that gives me a pension. It's not where I envisaged being at this age, having come from a reasonably privileged background, but I've taken some pride in being able to take it on the chin but I'm not taking things on the chin as well anymore, which rather surprises me. I thought I was made of stronger stuff.
It may have to do with the way this last year and a half has panned out for me on a personal level. If you, reader, have read any of my other blogs, you may know I took a year to come off an antidepressant I'd been on for thirty years. I also caught pneumonia. When I first caught it the clinic that I visit to see a doctor wouldn't let me in as I had a fever so I went off for a Covid test. At that time I wasn't particularly worried and, when the test showed negative I just stayed in bed and waited to get well assuming it was 'flu. It was my son who eventually called an ambulance.
Since then I've had two viruses and had to have a Covid test each time. Both times I have been very nervous and upset that the results would be positive. Neither were but I sure didn't feel good and the wait for a result each time played havoc with my nerves. I don't even know how I got the last virus given the precautions I take and that is a worry in itself.
That's one of the big problems about this pandemic, it's shredding our nerves. There are some people out there who don't worry or simply don't believe there is a pandemic and that it's all a conspiracy. In a way I envy them. If I'm going to get Covid, I'd rather just not worry about it first but I think this year has taken its toll on me and I can no longer stop worrying. My mood sometimes improves but, with any new concern, it plummets to new depths and this is becoming a concern to the point I am considering going on another antidepressant.
I am, of course, I suspect not the only person whose mental state is deteriorating. When I told my general practitioner doctor that I was feeling more optimistic a few weeks ago after having my first vaccine shot, she said a lot of her older patients were too. The virus has obviously been preying on the minds of those of us who were anticipating a couple of more decades of life. After my last virus, post the vaccine, I began to lose that hope again. If it was only a rhinovirus, it was a beauty. I didn't have a fever, blocked nose or cough. My lungs were fine too. I had a mighty sore throat and just felt as if I had the 'flu. The thing is, I've had a 'flu shot. If the virus made me feel this bad, how capable am I, even vaccinated, of dealing with Covid?
Perhaps I am being a wuss but I'm rather tired of being sick or feeling unwell. I am really wondering how other people are feeling mentally at this time. It isn't easy on any of us but I also wonder how many people are keeping their fears to themselves. I have sometimes, when wearing a mask to the shops, had people come right up to me and talk to my face. I figure that these types are not big worriers. They also can't take a hint. I remain pleasant but wonder where their heads are.
The old saying that ignorance is bliss is true. It's become so that I really don't want to listen to the news on television at night and hear one more thing about Covid or vaccinations. I see it on the internet but can skim past. I take in the rudiments and the latest local figures and move on. The television news, however, just won't let it go. For the last sixteen months we've been fed a diet of Covid related news.
I yearn for the day when I never hear another mention of Covid and I'm sure you do too. I yearn for the day I can shop or got to a cafe or restaurant without worrying and for the time I can travel again, even though I really no longer have the funds. I'll just take a road trip to anywhere and enjoy the scenery. I long for the day I can look forward to thinking I may see my grandchildren reach adulthood. I just long for another day.
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