MANNERS

The Absence of Manners

 

 'Manners' is a most misunderstood concept.  It is not the same as 'etiquette', which is culturally accepted modes of behaviour such as laying a knife to the right of a plate and a fork to the left.

In some cultures it is considered good etiquette to belch after a meal to show satisfaction.  Thank goodness it isn't in Western Society, not that it stops some people.  Blowing your nose at the table is also anathema to me.

'Manners' arise from a person's natural empathy to treat others the way they would wish to be treated in the same situation.  In other words it is consideration for others.  For instance when two people arrive at a door at the same time the well-mannered will hesitate and offer to let the other go first.  If both are well-mannered, as we have all witnessed at some stage, a negotiation must then take place:  "You first."  "No, after you." "Oh, thank you."

If one is not well-mannered he or she will have simply barged ahead and cause the other to feel aggrieved.  If both are not well-mannered there is bound to be a collision.  Some people feel it is a sign of weakness to show manners.  If, in fact, a person is always conceding the way to ill-mannered persons, they are likely to appear to be weak by the ill-mannered and will themselves feel used.

Good manners isn't about letting a woman proceed before a man.  I hesitate for a man or a woman and men hesitate for other men if they are being considerate.  One thing all the men in my life have in common is a tendency to walk ahead of me.  If I ask them to slow down and walk with me, they all tell me the same thing: they are paving the way.  I believe it is the male seeing himself as protector syndrome.  The hunter within him is checking ahead for danger.  The trouble is that doesn't wash now but they all still seem to do it.

Well barging ahead is not the worst thing in the world after all.  The only remedy is holding their hand or putting them on a leash.  I've had Labrador dogs in the past who, when you put them on a leash drag you behind them in their desire to rush ahead.  It is their natural exuberance.  I figure it's the same with men and, as exuberance is a great characteristic, why tie him down?

It can be a tough call in life to keep your manners in the presence of those who have none.  Quite often people from certain backgrounds are brought up not to consider others because it is felt that manners display eagerness to please and it will make them appear weak and will get them nowhere in life.  When they run across those who do show consideration they are likely to misjudge them as being weak.  They will often try to take advantage of such people only to discover they do actually possess a backbone.

I have often been at the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.  It has been interesting to note than when the person discovers they have misjudged me as a walkover, they seem really puzzled.  They then keep trying to abuse my good nature because they can't take it in that their judgement was off.  To be frank, it is very annoying.

It would be great if everybody had the same codes of behaviour.  By 'behaviour' I am including 'etiquette' along with 'manners' as they often work in harmony.  If two strangers meet and each have similar manners, it smooths the way for them to discover more about one another at a personal level, rather than to have to reach common ground first because they are each confused by the other's behaviour at their first meeting.  No wonder there are wars and we need diplomacy between countries with different social mores.  Behaviour varies from place to place.  To Westerners some Eastern and Middle Eastern countries seem to show less empathy than we do to things we consider absolutely sacred.

We would never eat a dog for instance or cage a bear.  Unfortunately there are those who think that animals have no feelings.  Yes, that is ignorance but if you are brought up from childhood to believe that and your nourishment depends on it, we can't judge them by our standards.  We eat other animals of course but, apparently, they are killed in a humane fashion, whatever that is.

I remember walking through a market in Hong Kong selling fresh fish and live frogs.  The frogs were flapping around the floor in pairs each with one leg tied to the other's leg.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I also couldn't protest.  The sellers would simply have laughed and not understood my horror.   I considered this cruel but they obviously did not.

I still feel bad about eating meat.  Not only that, we eat herbivores that don't exactly hunt us to eat us.  In some countries animals have their throats cut in a ritual killing.  No matter how much I try to tolerate other cultures, I find it difficult to understand why those doing this never consider how it would feel.  It is simply gross.

I'm getting away from manners, but then again, manners are about tolerance and keeping the peace between groups and individuals.  If someone shows you lack of consideration, think how your blood boils.  Mine does.

It's interesting that a lack of manners on the road can lead to the extreme behaviour of road rage.  There is something anonymous about a steel capsule.  We vent rage upon the driver in a way we won't do face to face.  Of course driving is about life and death.  It's not like giving way at a door.  Not giving way on the road can cause death and so manners, or in this case, considerate road behaviour, become the most important type of manners of all.

Treat others as you would have them treat you and consider their right to life.  The whole principal of Christianity is this and that is basically what manners are.  They are to acknowledge another person's presence and to respect it.

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